Responsible Adults

Responsible Adults

    When my children asked me what I hoped they would be when they grew up I said “responsible adults”.  I told them it didn’t matter what they did for a living as long as it was legal and they could support themselves with whatever they did. But since there is more to being responsible than just having a job, so they asked me to define what I meant.  I am not saying every adult is responsible but those who are seem to have certain traits or behaviors in common. Nobody is perfect, I’m certainly not, but responsible adults will agree with this list, even if they are lacking in one or two of these areas.

    Responsible adults take responsibility, as my kids would say, “well duh!”  That means no whining that something is not your fault.  Maybe it isn’t your fault, it might be the fault of someone you hired or someone who left something out of place where it could be broken by the first person who came along but you still have to fix it, pay for it, or do whatever it takes to make it right, why?  Because that’s what responsible adults do.  Most adults I know avoid people who are always trying to blame everything and everyone else for everything. It is a quick way to lose respect from others. If something is your responsibility, you probably have been told or there is something in writing that spells it out, it is not usually a surprise.  The courts are full of people who are being sued for not fulfilling their responsibility. Don’t be one of them.

    Responsible adults keep their word, most relationships, whether they are professional, personal, family or just getting along with others, are based on trust.  Trust is easy to lose and hard to earn.  Responsible adults do not make promises without considering whether they can keep them, they do not make commitments lightly and oral agreements are stated in an “If you do this then I will do that” form.

    Responsible adults manage their finances. Responsible adults, first and foremost, must have an income.  It doesn’t matter if it is from a job, your own business, disability payments, an inheritance or a trust fund but there has to be something coming in to pay the bills.  Living off of others is sometimes required for short periods of time due to a disaster, a lost job or some other dire circumstance but it is not responsible to do so any longer than is absolutely necessary.  

    Responsible adults have a budget and don’t buy what they can’t afford. This is why you didn’t get that pony, motorcycle, or whatever it is you wanted so bad. A budget lets people know where their money is going and how much they have left. A budget should list what income the person will have to work with and what expenses that must be paid.  A budget also prioritizes what will be paid first and what will be paid last.  It is not responsible to pay wants before needs. Bills; like rent, car payments, debts, taxes, insurance and things that will be repossessed if you don’t make a payment must essentially come first. Savings come next, even if it is only a small amount to be put away for emergencies. Food, clothing, education and other necessities should be paid after that. Finally, if there is still money left, the “splurge fund” for treats, things you want but don’t need, hobbies, gambling, shows, or whatever your heart desires.

    It is not responsible financial adult behavior to; live from paycheck to paycheck with nothing left every time, run up massive credit card debt, patronize “paycheck loan shark” businesses which charge sky high interest rates, gamble with the grocery money, or buy addictive drugs (most drug addicts supplement their incomes with criminal behavior because they are so expensive). Obvious stuff right? You’d be surprised how many financially irresponsible adults there are out there. I have met adults who make a hundred thousand dollars a year but spend a hundred and ten thousand. They have six figure incomes and a negative net worth.  I have met adults who live on two minimum wage jobs and have savings accounts with just enough to tide them over for two or three months in case of an emergency.  It is not how much they have but what they do with what they have that makes the difference.  One last thing, responsible adults do not loan money (or cars or expensive equipment) to other people unless they are certain that those people will be responsible too. A fool and someone else’s money are soon parted. Many people have already learned that lesson the hard way before they became responsible adults.

    Responsible adults manage their time, bosses are not the only ones who get upset when someone is late, it affects co-workers, customers and vendors too.  Like money, time must also be budgeted. There are only so many hours and minutes in the day and wasting time can be as irresponsible as wasting money, especially if someone wastes other people’s time as well. Just as a money budget prioritizes spending, a time budget prioritizes spending time.  You can’t schedule school for any other time than when classes are being held. The company decides when you have to be at work. Even if you are your own boss you have to schedule around your customer’s needs. After those commitments there are appointments, soccer practice, piano lessons etc, all inflexible on the schedule. Then you have to schedule sleep so that you are awake at work or school. Finally, like with a money budget, what is left is your “free time.”  Can you save time like money to be used later on?  Sort of, if you put a little money away each week you can have a lot later on, by the same token if you don’t have the time it takes to; read a Harry Potter book, build a model, write a long blog etc, you can do a little each day and eventually you can accomplish something that would take hours and hours at one sitting.

Don’t think that this was written all at the same time. I did it bit by bit on my computer and then transferred it to my blog when it was done. It would have been irresponsible to let every thing else slip for hours while I worked on this column.

    Responsible adults look at risks differently than children, teenagers or irresponsible adults. Responsible adults think things through and predict possible consequences and the potential costs of those consequences. Even the bravest of soldiers will retreat if the costs are greater than the objective, not out of a lack of courage but out of rational survival.  Walking through a minefield on a dare is not the same as crawling through a minefield to save someone’s life. Responsible adults do not invest in get rich quick schemes but they do invest in stocks, bonds, and retirement plans, calculated risks, not impulsive risks.  When a responsible adult takes a risk it is with the knowledge that every thing could fall apart and that if it does there will be a cost.  Responsible adults take risks that they can afford to lose. Some examples of responsible risks taking behavior; buying term life insurance, investing in a stock which has had a good record in the past, asking someone to marry whom the asker believes will make a good spouse, flying on a commercial airliner, driving a car, having surgery which may add years to life. It’s true that a person  might live to be a hundred years old and waste their money, the stock could tank, the marriage might end in divorce, the plane or the car might crash and they might die anyway while in surgery but the benefits will almost always out weigh the risks in these situations.  Some examples of irresponsible risk taking behavior; investments which claim huge returns even though they have never made money before, putting personal safety in jeopardy for a bet or a dare, gambling large sums of money, taking a second mortgage on a house for frivolous purchases and cheating on a spouse.  Think of the possible reward versus the possible losses, assuming things don’t go well. Remember those who think they won’t get caught almost always are.

    Responsible adults act like adults, they don’t whine, pout or throw tantrums in public.  Responsible adults do raise their voices when they are angry and they do use violence when defending themselves or others but not in out of control outbursts. Parents can not fire their children when they talk back, employers can.  Responsible adults know when to use restraint and when to speak up for themselves.

    Responsible adults consider the feelings and needs of other people. This is one behavior that sets responsible adults apart from children, teenagers and irresponsible adults who have difficulty thinking about much less doing this.

 “Adults only”behaviors- There are some behaviors which are illegal for minors, and for good reason!   Some children say that they can hardly wait to grow up so that they can do “anything they want” (if only that were true) but the reason some things are regulated by law is that they are so dangerous that not even all adults can handle them.

  Sex- hooking up with multiple strangers for the purpose of having sex is not responsible adult behavior. This may come as a shock to anyone who watches television (where such behavior is the norm) but it is true. Unlike on television, in real life responsible adults never have sex with minors under any circumstance and they are careful about which adults with whom they have sex. In fact, those people who promote, re-elect, and assign others to important jobs actually frown on promiscuity. “That’s none of their business!” people who have missed out on those jobs say, but the consequences of irresponsible sex affect all aspects of life including how people do their jobs. For instance, the CEO of a fortune 500 company who has to choose between two executives for the job of regional director might base his/her decision on the executive’s sexual responsibility. Both of the executives in this scenario have active sex lives, one with his/her spouse, the other with whomever he/she can, a different partner every night, sometimes with prostitutes, sometimes with industrial spies from other companies. The CEO making the decision will base his/her decision less on moral reasons and more on protecting the company. From what I have read this is true even if both of the executives are gay/lesbian, the one with the permanent partner is considered more stable and less of a risk to the company.  Modern contraceptives have mitigated the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies (and surprise paternity lawsuits and child support payments) somewhat, assuming that people are responsible enough to use them, but irresponsible sexual behavior still has the risks of emotional and psychological damage, blackmail, being stalked, or even being killed by spurned ex-lovers, all of which can affect people on the job and off. I read of one woman who was the manager of a fast food restaurant who had to switch stores and apartments three times before the stalker ex-boyfriend whom she had cheated on was put in prison.  Each time it cost her company money and disruption. Naturally the company didn’t allow her to be hurt but the whole ordeal could have been prevented.

    Alcohol, tobacco and firearms- Responsible adults who drink alcohol don’t do it with the intention of becoming falling down drunk.  Responsible Adults never drink and drive, they either have a designated driver or use transportation which doesn’t require them to drive. Responsible adults who either realize by themselves or are informed by others that they are alcoholics get professional help.  Responsible adults who smoke don’t do it where others have to breathe it in. Whether or not a smoker believes second hand smoke is dangerous, they do know it is annoying, especially to asthmatics. Responsible adults also do not smoke in bed.  Responsible adults NEVER let small children have access to firearms and older children only with adult supervision.  Responsible adults never shoot anyone, point a gun at anyone or threaten to shoot anyone except in self defense or the defense of others. Responsible adults, including the ones at the NRA, try to keep guns out of the hands of criminals and the mentally unstable. There are people who believe no one but soldiers and police officers should have guns but even those people agree there are responsible and irresponsible ways of handling firearms.

    Responsible adults and driving a car, Anyone who says that all adult drivers are responsible and that all teen drivers are irresponsible is uninformed. The fact is that teenagers usually have quicker reflexes and would be better drivers than adults except that they have underdeveloped senses of risk, predicting consequences and time/space relationships.  But, due to this statistically more teenagers have automobile accidents than adults. However the rules for responsible driving apply to every age group.  Responsible drivers never drink and drive, never drive when they are sleep deprived, and don’t let “road rage” get the best of them. If some idiot cuts them off, they might honk and wave obscene hand gestures but if there is no accident caused, they forget about the incident and concentrate on driving safely themselves.  If they see a drunken driver they call the police, they don’t chase the drunk down by themselves.

    Responsible adults and contracts, minors are not allowed to sign contracts because they can’t be held financially liable. Responsible adults are cautious about contracts because they can. Responsible adults always read the fine print, do not hesitate to get parts of a contract explained that they do not understand, even if it takes a lawyer to explain it and they don’t worry about appearing dumb because they don’t know.  Responsible adults never commit to a contract that they couldn’t afford if everything goes wrong because if everything does go wrong they are still legally bound by the contract. Responsible adults always frame oral contracts in an “If you do this, I will do that,” context so that both parties of the contract know to what they are agreeing.

    Everything I haven’t already mentioned, I don’t claim to be an authority on responsible adult behavior, just an observer.  From what I have observed, these rules, while not all inclusive, summarize what it means to be a responsible adult.